Session 4 
Ending Discipline Times with Impact

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Introduction

After giving a consequence, some parents feel like they have done their duty, fulfilled their responsibility, and then they are done with that discipline episode. Unfortunately, there’s often tension in the relationship, the child may walk away angry, children may feel guilty, or true repentance may not have taken place. This leaves room for anger or even bitterness to linger. The child may plan revenge. “I’ll show you. I just won’t talk to you. You’ll be sorry then.” 

Day after day, year after year, these tensions grow into layers and layers of walls between you and your child. The friendship you desire to have with your children can become strained because of the constant need to be the parent. Continual instruction, setting limits, and correction wear away at the relationship between parent and child, making closeness illusive in many families. Children have a hard time processing the disappointment they experience, often blaming their parents for their unhappiness.

Sometimes children want closeness after a discipline time but the parent’s anger keeps the child at a distance. The child couldn’t get close if he wanted to because Mom is still angry about an offense that happened an hour ago. The parent sometimes uses anger to further punish the child by putting up walls. Parents often realize that the chasm is growing between them and their kids but they don’t know how to make it better.

The reality is that each discipline episode needs closure. Parents sometimes think that the consequence is the discipline, but a consequence merely gets a child’s attention. The real benefit of the discipline takes place in a Positive Conclusion.

King David must have felt terrible when his sin was exposed. Everyone knew that he had committed adultery and had murdered a man. Of course the consequence was that the baby died. But if you read on in that same verse you see that David and Bathsheba got pregnant again. 

The same prophet who had pronounced the judgment on David now came to him again. Nathan said, “God says that you can name the baby Jedidiah which means loved of the Lord.” What was God doing? You see, I believe that God was giving David a Positive Conclusion. He was saying to him, “Come on David, we know you can make mistakes but we have a kingdom to run here. Let’s put the mistakes behind us and do the work I’ve called you to do. 

That was a heart gift, a special gift for David’s heart. He needed to hear that and I’m sure it helped him so much deep inside.

Children need that same gift. The Positive Conclusion is the tool that makes it happen.

The Positive Conclusion means the difference between Discipline and Punishment. Punishment is negative; discipline is positive. Punishment focuses on the past misdeeds. Discipline focuses on the future right thing your child can do next time. Punishment is often motivated out of anger. Discipline is motivated out of love. Punishment focuses on justice to balance the scales. Discipline focuses on teaching wisdom.

Discipline means to teach, and each time we correct or redirect our children’s behavior, we wish that they would learn something from the experience. Yet, patterns of wrong thinking direct many of the habits our children engage in. The Positive Conclusion described here teaches children a new way of thinking. After years of correction, consequences, rebukes, warnings, and attempts at teaching, where do our children’s minds end up? Sometimes not too far from where they started. They have the same negative attitude, rebellious spirit, or resistance to authority. This plan is a vehicle for teaching children a right ways to think and to make the significant changes you want to see in their hearts. Interestingly enough, children want to see those changes too. This tool will help them do it.

By implementing a Positive Conclusion you teach your children how to deal with the offenses of the last five minutes, but you’ll also give them a way to think about life. This routine was carefully designed to address many of the thinking errors that children experience. You will help your children deal with life on more than just a surface issue. With the Positive Conclusion you help children make lasting changes in their hearts.

A Positive Conclusion offers hope to children. Sometimes children get into habits of doing the wrong thing and they become magnets for correction. The temptation toward discouragement runs high in those moments and children sometimes just give up, developing an identity as a child who just can’t do the right thing, so why try?

You can help children envision a positive future. The scriptures show us that God and Jesus often ended discipline times in this hopeful way. Take a moment and consider just three examples of a Positive Conclusion in the Bible. As you look at each of these situations, imagine the guilt experienced by the offender, the consequence experienced by them, the resulting positive comments or approach of the Master.

What two things did God do to communicate relationship and hope to Adam and Eve after their sin in the garden (Genesis 3:14-15, 21)? How did Jesus after the resurrection communicate forgiveness to Peter who had denied Christ three times (John 21:15-20)? These are further examples of Positive Conclusions in the Bible.

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What is a Positive Conclusion?

A Positive Conclusion is a discussion you have with your child after the consequence to clarify the offense, make a plan for next time, and offer encouragement to do the right thing.

The Positive Conclusion is a valuable tool with children as young as three or four years old. The ideas though are crucial for teenagers too because every mistake or conflict should result in a Positive Conclusion. In fact, you’ll see that this approach is more than a childish way of facing an offense. It is a healthy way for adults to think about their mistakes or failures as well. 

The Positive Conclusion contains three questions and a statement.

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Putting the Positive Conclusion into Practice

The Positive Conclusion is a routine that repeats the same process over and over again each time you have to discipline your children. With young children you’ll probably go through this routine several times a day, but that’s okay and even good. Young children benefit from repetition and this routine develops habits in their minds about offenses, knowing how to respond when they’ve done the wrong thing.

Before you start a Positive Conclusion, make sure your heart is ready. Sometimes parents are so frustrated that their own issues detract from any positive benefit of a discussion. Your harshness will kill any opportunity you have to build relationship or make lasting change. Ask these questions in a manner that expresses love, forgiveness, and acceptance. If you are still angry, work through your own issues before you begin, or at least put them aside and respond with firmness and grace. It’s amazing how often the Positive Conclusion helps you as a parent work through some of your lingering feelings as well.

Question 1: “What Did You Do Wrong?”

The purpose of the first question, “What did you do wrong?” is to allow the child to take personal responsibility for the offense. If others were involved, as they often are, a child should not excuse an offense by blaming someone else. The sins of others don’t justify wrong actions. 
Children often have a hard time accepting responsibility. They don’t like to admit their faults. They like to either blame others or just try to overlook the problem.

When you ask the question, “What did you do wrong?” your child may resist and say, “I don’t know,” or “I didn’t do anything wrong.”

Sometimes children may not realize what it was that they did wrong. You may have heard a tone of voice or saw an action that you know was leading to trouble. You may have to remind them or share what you saw, but don’t rob children of the benefit of confessing by stating the offense and then just having them agree. Ask the question again and have the child admit the offense and take responsibility for it. 

Sometimes a child will respond with, “I didn’t do anything wrong” or “I don’t know” when you know they actually do know. In this situation the child is defying the process and trying to skirt it. Simply have the child sit in a chair for a while until he or she is ready to come and deal with the problem. It’s surprising how quickly children can remember what the offense was when there is no other choice.

Confession is a spiritual issue, and it’s learned in the Positive Conclusion.
 
We teach children to admit that they’ve done something wrong because it’s part of confession. 

Some children get in the habit of blaming others for their problems. These kids believe that they have a right to be angry with others, that the world owes them something and better start paying up. These children are rarely satisfied and continually blame the problems they have on others. It’s always someone else’s fault that they aren’t happy. 

Even if your child didn’t start the problem or if you’re child’s part is only 10%, your children will benefit from admitting their part. Even if someone else offends us, that doesn’t justify a hurtful response.

Children who are blamers take on a victim mentality. But when kids learn to take responsibility for their part, then they are empowered to change. 

Admitting one’s part of the problem is the first step toward change.

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The purpose of the first question, “What did you do wrong?” is to allow the child to take personal responsibility for the offense. If others were involved, as they often are, a child should not excuse an offense by blaming someone else. The sins of others don’t justify wrong actions. 
Children often have a hard time accepting responsibility. They don’t like to admit their faults. They like to either blame others or just try to overlook the problem.

When you ask the question, “What did you do wrong?” your child may resist and say, “I don’t know,” or “I didn’t do anything wrong.”

Sometimes children may not realize what it was that they did wrong. You may have heard a tone of voice or saw an action that you know was leading to trouble. You may have to remind them or share what you saw, but don’t rob children of the benefit of confessing by stating the offense and then just having them agree. Ask the question again and have the child admit the offense and take responsibility for it. 

Sometimes a child will respond with, “I didn’t do anything wrong” or “I don’t know” when you know they actually do know. In this situation the child is defying the process and trying to skirt it. Simply have the child sit in a chair for a while until he or she is ready to come and deal with the problem. It’s surprising how quickly children can remember what the offense was when there is no other choice.

Confession is a spiritual issue, and it’s learned in the Positive Conclusion.
 
We teach children to admit that they’ve done something wrong because it’s part of confession. 

Some children get in the habit of blaming others for their problems. These kids believe that they have a right to be angry with others, that the world owes them something and better start paying up. These children are rarely satisfied and continually blame the problems they have on others. It’s always someone else’s fault that they aren’t happy. 

Even if your child didn’t start the problem or if you’re child’s part is only 10%, your children will benefit from admitting their part. Even if someone else offends us, that doesn’t justify a hurtful response.

Children who are blamers take on a victim mentality. But when kids learn to take responsibility for their part, then they are empowered to change. 

Admitting one’s part of the problem is the first step toward change.

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It’s not always easy to get into a child’s heart, but one of the windows into a child’s heart is correction. When kids do the wrong thing or make a mistake, the way you handle it is very important. Yelling, arguing, sarcasm, and harshness are just a few of the approaches that close a child’s heart. Instead, these three questions can provide an opportunity to reach deeper into a child’s life.

The second question gives parents an opportunity to teach. Bill thinks he’s justified in hitting his sister because she took his book. After all, “she was wrong and deserves it,” he says. Mom used that opportunity to teach Bill that even if his sister is wrong, he is not justified in hitting. It’s unkind. You can’t trade unkind actions. It’s not right.

Karen, on the other hand, decides that Bill is not sharing and so she uses force to take the book. Karen is reminded during the Positive Conclusion that taking the book by force is wrong and that even if she is wronged by her brother, she should not take matters into her own hands that way.

You may be thinking, “My child won’t answer these questions.” And you may be right. Your child may not know why it was wrong. But, these questions give you an opportunity to gently help your child understand the problem and to see why a particular response was wrong. It was unkind or disrespectful. Explanations are helpful. The Positive Conclusion gives you the chance to come together and discuss the problem.

The Positive Conclusion helps children know the reasons behind the rules. Something went wrong for the offense to occur. The child may have made a willful rebellious decision. Sometimes kids forget what they were supposed to do, or they may have not realized in time the consequences of their actions. By going back over the situation, the parents can teach children where they got off track. 

These small reminders may seem tedious at times but they form the basis for the way children think. Years from now these same children will find themselves in tempting situations and will have already worked out the right responses. That doesn’t mean that they will always choose right, but they are more likely to, because parents helped clarify the issues early on.

This question helps to address heart issues directly. It gives you opportunity to talk about the values behind your rules.

Sometimes children believe that their actions are unrelated and that their offenses are incidental. They need to see how individual wrong behaviors tie into bigger issues in their lives. You can point out the sinful attitudes like pride, selfishness, anger, or disrespect. Help the child learn that behavior is only a symptom of something deeper. Parents and children see the behavior but God looks at the heart. 

For young children you might establish three basic rules in family life: obey, show respect, and be kind. Almost any offense a young child commits fits under one of these three rules. Then the question becomes a multiple choice. With older children you can go into more significant reasons why the particular action was wrong.

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Question 2: “Why Was That Wrong?”  

This question helps children understand and communicate what right action should take place instead. Again, children may not know what they should have done differently - you can teach them. With practice, they will know what to do. By communicating the right response to you verbally, your child will begin to see the difference and learn to change. 

Some days parents feel like they’re disciplining for the same thing over and over again. When you use these three questions and a statement, your child is stating the same right response back to you over and over again. 

Don’t you feel sometimes like you’re disciplining for the same things over and over again? Some parents get frustrated when their kids aren’t changing and they say, “What I need here is a really big consequence.” It is true that large consequences get kids attention, but often a more effective way to change the heart is to have many Positive Conclusions in the course of the day. Having to answer the question, “What are you going to do differently next time?” over and over again helps children move the truth down from their heads to their hearts.

You see, we often teach good things to our kids and it becomes head knowledge but doesn’t really effect the way they live. Over time, however, the Positive Conclusion can help move the information down into a child’s heart, penetrating his or her belief system.

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If Mom and Dad continue to discipline Karen for her wrong responses and she continues to verbalize that the right response is to talk about it, eventually she will catch herself sooner and talk to Bill about the problem. This takes time and repeated discipline sessions, but children learn by repetition and frequent, gently reminders. 

Many times parents come to this third question and discover that their children don’t know what to do right next time. In fact, parents are sometimes stumped by this question. When Mom is on the phone and Bill is chasing her around and won’t stop, what should she do? If Marty is upset when Mom asks him to take out the trash, how should he respond instead? The third questions helps parents too to stop and consider what action might be more appropriate. 

It does little good to discipline children for wrong behavior without teaching them how to respond properly next time. The Positive Conclusion gives the opportunity to explore other alternatives. If the Positive Conclusion is a routine in your family then it forces you to think through a process for children to handle their challenges.

Furthermore, going through these three questions helps children learn to think in order to choose the right response next time. Sometimes children have habits of behavior and children need to develop new patterns of thinking in order to change the way they respond.

Imagine a five-year-old that tends to overreact to little irritations. She explodes without warning. Someone disturbs her and the whirlwind begins. You see that she’s getting upset and send her to her room because that seems like a reasonable thing to do. Her feet sound like a herd of angry, stampeding elephants! You consider investing in door hinges as she slams that door one more time. I have a feeling they got the idea of car alarms after listening to children’s tantrums. They go off at the slightest nudge and are terribly irritating.

After this young girl has settled down, then you talk about the problem together. During the Positive Conclusion you’re able to develop a plan for her to handle her emotions in a healthier way. 

You say, “Susie, what did you do wrong?”
 “I yelled and screamed.”
“Yes, that’s right, and why was that wrong?
“I got angry.”
“Yes, and it was a hurtful way to disagree. What should you do differently next time?”
“Talk about it or get help.”
“Yes, that’s right.”

Children who are overpowered by their emotions, or kids that are impulsive, benefit greatly from a Positive Conclusion. It slows down the process and through constant repetition helps train them to do the right thing and respond the right way.

A few months ago we attended your effective parenting seminar at Bible Baptist Church.  We loved the idea of a positive conclusion and started using it immediately. We have four children all boys our oldest is five then four then two and also a ten month old. We need all the effective parenting skills we can get.  Anyway one day my girlfriend was over and was changing my two year old’s diaper.  He started having a temper tantrum and hit her. I gave him a break.  When I called him over I asked, “What did you do wrong?” He said, “I hit Lori.” I said, “Why was it wrong?” and he said, “We don’t hit anyone.”  I should have stopped there and had him say he was sorry. But I was so impressed by his answer I continued and said, “What could you do differently next time?” He thought for a minute and with a very serious look said, “I could kick her.” At that point my friend and I both laughed so hard that the whole thing was ruined but I thought that was the funniest thing a two year old could say. I had to let you know. I think we will remember that for the rest of his life.  Now we have him say what he did wrong and why then he says sorry and we leave it at that for now. I do have to say it works for the others, and also that your seminar was the best.

Thank you,
Tracey Brown

Question 3: “What Are You Going to Do Differently Next Time?”

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A Statement: “Ok, Go Ahead and Try Again.”

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As you begin working through the three questions and a statement with your teenager, you’ll likely launch into a conversation about values, reasons, or other issues. These discussions are extremely valuable. Don’t digress to an authoritarian approach that tries to eliminate the dialogue. It is true that some kids use arguing, excusing, or blaming to deflect the issues and you’ll want to work the conversation back to the real problem. But don’t hesitate to take the long way around if that’s what your child needs. Teens need dialogue. It helps them work through the various issues they’re experiencing.

Learning to listen is so important. It’s not always easy, but as parents of teens you need to be willing to take the extra time to process life. Conflict becomes an opportunity for teaching and growth. You earn the right to teach by listening. Teens need to talk. They need to explore new ideas and values to see if they want to accept yours. If you feel threatened by your children’s new ideas you can damage to the relationship and miss out on a teaching opportunity. 

One Saturday morning I reminded Josh, age twelve at the time, to clean his room, a normal request for Saturday mornings in our family. Josh decided to try out a new idea or value that went something like this, “It’s my room. The mess isn’t hurting anyone but me. Therefore, you shouldn’t be getting involved in my problem and telling me how to live my life since it doesn’t really affect you.” 

Maybe you’ve heard that kind of reasoning before. It’s a common idea. The problem with that line of thinking is that parents and children have a job to do. We aren’t just housemates sharing the same living quarters. Parents have the responsibility to pass on character and values to their children and neatness is one character quality we teach in the Turansky family. 

Unfortunately, at the time I felt threatened by Josh’s challenge and appalled by his statement so I blew him away. I looked at him and I said, “That’s the same thing some adults say to justify wrong behavior, but society ends up paying for what those people do in secret.” I won in the argument department, but I lost in the relationship department. 

I went to Josh later and apologized for my intensity and for robbing him of the opportunity to test out his idea. We were used to having a Positive Conclusion and not accustomed to allowing tension to linger over time. 

Of course, Josh’s attitude with me was wrong. He still had to clean his room, but I knew that my approach was not helpful in correcting him. I was offended and used anger to solve my problem, creating distance in our relationship. It’s hard to correct a child for doing the wrong thing when we have our own issues that limit the effective communication of the message. A Positive Conclusion helps slow down the process, clear the air, and clarify the issues for both parent and child.

The Positive Conclusion does a tremendous amount for keeping the lines of communication open and for making discipline the truly constructive experience. Keep in mind that a Positive Conclusion means that if you have been wrong in your response, then this is the time to share it. Apology is not a sign of weakness. Rather, it becomes a learning tool, modeling humility. Don’t be afraid to admit you were wrong.

One of the common complaints from parents of teens is that teens don’t talk. It’s not surprising that a common complaint from teens is that their parents don’t listen. Parents prone to criticize their teens discourage them from talking. If your teen comes home and says I hate Mr. Jones, my math teacher,” how do you respond? If you see this as the opportunity to bring out lecture number 73: “Now it’s important to have a good attitude.” or Lecture number 12: “You can learn something from every one,” then you haven’t listened. 

One of the tasks of parenting teens is to open doors of communication for understanding to take place. That doesn’t mean you will always agree and, as a parent, you may have to make the final decision. But disagreeing is part of life. Understanding is one of the goals. Understanding happens through listening. 

One teen was critical of his mom because she didn’t give money to her brother in need. He made an unkind comment and walked off. He believed that he was justified because he thought his mom was wrong. “That’s not what Jesus would do,” he said. He had learned to value generosity. 

Mom did often give money to her brother, but not this time. She knew about another value: Love sometimes requires saying no. Because Mom was not content to allow the tension to linger, she brought it up later with him. The discussion they had helped this young man understand another value. He still didn’t agree, but realized that his mom had a point resulting in greater understanding.

Mom was wise enough to recognize that there were actually two issues to deal with. First was the conflict in values, but the second had to do with the way he treated her. She felt hurt and told him. It was an opportunity for this mom to explain that just because you disagree, that doesn’t give you the right to hurt another person.

Once you’ve gone through these three questions, then always end with an affirmation. The statement we suggest is, “OK, go ahead and try again.” This statement says “I believe in you. Yes, you’re going to make mistakes and there are consequences, but we can debrief and learn together.” We want to give children the confidence to try again. This statement acknowledges that growth is a process.

This final statement is modeled after the way Jesus ended the conversation with the woman caught in adultery. He said, “Go and sin no more.” That’s the kind of ending we want on our discipline. It’s a statement that affirms children and encourages them to put this event behind and go on and do the right thing.

Part of a clear conscience is the recognition that offenses or mistakes have been dealt with. When someone has done the wrong thing, then they feel guilty and their conscience feels uncomfortable. The solution is a Positive Conclusion because it doesn’t excuse the mistakes. It admits them. Furthermore, it ends with a statement that allows the child to move ahead.

When you have a Positive Conclusion with your son, then you are giving him a gift by contributing to a clear conscience. He has a way of thinking about the mistakes he’s made. Some suggest that the solution to guilt is to blame others, excuse the offense, or explain away the feeling of guilt. That’s not how God handles sin. He expects confession and in return offers forgiveness.

Through the Positive Conclusion children learn that failure isn’t fatal. They can pick themselves up and try again.

Ending discipline times this way communicates hope to a child. Many kids believe that they are stuck with life as they see it now. They can’t envision change. They can’t imagine life any other way. The Positive Conclusion communicates to a child that change is possible and I, as your parent, am rooting for you. I know you will overcome this problem. Kids need this kind of hope.

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Using the Positive Conclusion

Just Going Through the Motions
Sometimes children who demonstrate continual resistance and lack a heart change need further consequences. If you find that your approach to discipline isn’t working over time then talk to your child about it. You may say, “I’m trying to discipline you here but it looks to me like you’re not responding. If you can’t respond to my present discipline then I’ll have to change or add a consequence here. We can’t continue to live like this. It isn’t good for you and will create some larger problems down the road.

Change Takes Place Over Time
Parents sometimes find themselves disciplining their children for the same things over and over again. Change seems difficult. A child may be annoying to others, explode with anger, tease relentlessly, or resist your authority. You correct regularly, but he just doesn’t seem to get it. In these situations you want to develop a plan that will move toward change and stick to it. Don’t give up. Your kids need firmness to see that your convictions really are what you believe to be true.

When helping children understand the concept of change, I (Scott) like to tell them the story of my baseball career. For a couple of seasons I played first base for our church softball team. I enjoyed playing this position because I was often involved in getting people out. After the play I would throw the ball back to the pitcher. 

During one game, the coach said, “When you get someone out, and no one else is on base, throw the ball around the infield before it goes back to the pitcher.”

I liked that idea. In fact, I’d seen big league players do the same thing. So, I determined that I would change. Unfortunately, my next opportunity didn’t come for a while. Later that inning, we got a guy out and, without thinking, I threw the ball back to the pitcher.

The coach reminded me, “Remember, throw the ball around.” 

“Oh yeah. I forgot. Sorry coach.” I determined to do better next time. But when that next time came in the next inning, I forgot again. I just threw the ball back to the pitcher. After just a moment, even before the coach reminded me, I realized that I had made a mistake, looked over at the dugout and said, “Oops, sorry Coach.”

I remember the next play well. I got the guy out at first base and I turned to throw the ball to the pitcher, but I stopped in mid throw. I turned and threw the ball to the shortstop. I had made the change. It took a while to train my brain to catch up with my desire to do the right thing.

That’s how change takes place sometimes. The desire to change doesn’t guarantee a change in behavior. Change takes time. Certainly you, as a parent, must have some things you’re trying to change in your own life and realize how hard some adjustments can be.

Instead of reacting with anger to your child’s slow progress, implement a Positive Conclusion regularly to clarify the changes that need to take place. 

Not all conflict can be resolved immediately. Often we’ll need to stop the conversation because it’s getting overheated and take a break and come back to it later. That’s okay as long as you really do come back to it. You don’t want tensions to grow and build, layer upon layer. It’s best to deal with problems as they come up and make sure they are resolved as much as possible before you move on, but if the intensity increases, know when to back off and take an intermission.

The Positive Conclusion encourages a sense of openness with children. Unfortunately, many kids go around bearing the weight of unresolved conflict or the disappointment of their parents. A common pattern in families is that the child does something wrong and the parent yells in anger. The child either cowers out of fear or fights back out of anger. Then life continues on without resolution. The parent not only punishes with consequences, but continues to punish by creating distance between the child and the parent. The child gets the message, “I’ve made my parents angry.”

On the other hand, if we use a Positive Conclusion, we reestablish the relationship with our kids. We can then look at the problem as the problem instead of the relationship or the child as the problem. This way the child gets the message, “I made a mistake, but I’m growing and learning.” This approach turns discipline times into learning experiences.

Constructive discipline takes time, energy, and thoughtfulness. An acorn takes years and years to grow into a large oak tree. A squash only takes a few months. We are in the business of creating a sturdy oak. Sometimes parents get frustrated because their expectations don’t allow for long term growth. They want change, and they want it now. But life doesn’t always work that way.

The Positive Conclusion helps children who are responsive gain greater understanding. Even children who aren’t responsive to discipline at the moment still hear what you say, and, over time, the continual repetition can help get the message past their resistance.

A Few More Thoughts
Sometimes parents wonder where to place a Positive Conclusion in the discipline process especially when a consequence is yet to come. When Jim leaves his bike out in the front yard again, the consequence may be that he can’t ride it again for a couple of days. It’s best to have the Positive Conclusion at the point of confrontation then to help Jim understand why the consequence is coming. Of course, if Jim is angry and hurtful at that moment then a Break might be necessary before a Positive Conclusion can take place. The consequence then follows the Positive Conclusion.

After the Positive Conclusion restitution, reconciliation, an apology, or further consequence may be necessary. In those cases the interaction and discussion prepares the child for what’s yet to come.

A Positive Conclusion is so important for discipline. We believe that the Positive Conclusion should be used every time you have to correct or redirect your child. The time to start this process is now. If children can grow up thinking this way, they’ll be much more effective as they grow older. It starts with a Positive Conclusion.

Many parents parent from a distance. They don’t have the closeness needed to be friends or partners with their children. You don’t have to parent from a distance. The Positive Conclusion is one way to build the relationship and the closeness you want with your child.

Summary
A Positive Conclusion helps address the relationship between parent and child after the consequence has been given. It provides children with an opportunity to debrief about the problem and have a plan for next time. Continual use of a Positive Conclusion teaches children and adults a healthy way of thinking about offenses and mistakes.

Teens
As children grow older, you can still have a Positive Conclusion, but you may not stick to the three questions and a statement. The important thing is that you discuss problems with your teens. You want to develop a sense of cooperation and teamwork. “Let’s work together on this problem of anger,” or, “I want to help you develop a good plan for how you can budget your money.” Positive Conclusions become part of the bigger conversations you have with your kids. 

Discipline situations are often called conflict situations when our children become teens. When you have a Positive Conclusion with your teen it often develops into a conversation and helps facilitate understanding.

Going through the motions
Sometimes parents get frustrated with their children because they say the right words but their hearts are obviously not changed. This is disheartening for us, as parents, since we know that our children aren’t learning all they need to learn from this experience, leaving them vulnerable to failure again. 

A change of heart is our desire and we need to continually look for creative ways to help kids make those deeper changes. Sometimes our approach, timing, or lack of positive relationship with our children sets them up to resist during a Positive Conclusion. Other times our children just have hard hearts.

In those moments we must pray that God will change their hearts while we continue to go through the routine. Regular repetition of the right actions creates a structure in our children’s lives. Our job is to weave that structure into the habits of our kids’ lives and trust that God will breathe life into our work. That’s why we take children to church whether they want to go or not. We have them apologize to a sibling even if they don’t feel like it. These kinds of actions may not come from the heart now, but we pray that God will use them someday to do a deeper work in their lives.

I don’t have time
Many parents feel like they don’t have time for these conversations after every discipline experience. Sometimes though it only takes a few seconds. Let me illustrate a 30-second version of the Positive Conclusion. If Julie is kicking the rocks out of the neighbors landscaping, you might have Julie take a break and when she’s done she comes back to you. You go through the three questions and a statement in just a quick process. All you’re trying to do is get your kids to stop and consider what they are doing.

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